eoe-0605.002 how bosnian of me

(LOS ANGELES, POSTED JUNE 4-5, 2005)

i have a wonderful friend named sasha—sash. he was born in 1977 in sarajevo, bosnia, and was a child during the horrors of genocide there. in 1986 he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis—cf—and moved to the united states in november of 1996.

in november of 2000, he was diagnosed with hiv-disease. hiv-positive.

sash boasts that everyone expected him to be dead years ago. he is unphazed, undazed, and still very much here.

sash looks like a character out of a japanese comic book. elfin-sized, with a black black sweep of hair across his forehead (he tries to make it into a mohawk periodically). big, thick, square-rimmed designer glasses that make him look very european. big five-eights-inch-round plug earrings. big smile with a million teeth. fingernails bulbous from all the years of cf. charming latvian-accented english (he keeps a copy of the koran in latvian at home).

sash dresses in black—black leather, silver-studed black belts and bracelets, silvery chains, artfully ripped black jeans, black-and-white ankle-high keds, t-shirts that say things like, “drugs made me the person i am today.” white-on-black t-shirts, of course.

sash is visiting his family back in bosnia for the summer. i miss him.

(SARAJEVO, BOSNIA, POSTED JUNE 4, 2005)

hey dear!!!!!

as i was making my coffee and reading mail some idiot tried to break into my apartment. luckily my dad has one of those weird-ass locks so he didn’t get in and by the time i opened the door he ran and i couldn’t catch him (didn’t really try too hard). so ghetto here!!!!

as for eoe blog —-it was kind of downer to read now, but very stimulating!!!

i said hiv was best thing that happened to me few times b4, and it’s not out of ignorance and misperception of disease itself, but simply look from different angle.

i am just tired of doctors that feed me horrible stories about what cf [cystic fibrosis--rk] does, is, and will do to me.

it didn’t and WONT do it to me, ‘cause i won’t put up with its shit.

i refuse to look at just bad side of it ‘cause--guess what it did to 100000’s of other children? but look at me. i ain’t even close to that. and as soon as i started to pay attention and listen to horror stories of kids choking on their phelgm and missing out on their childhood running and games, i fell.

feeling-guilty-for-being-blessed took over and brought me down to their level--as if i am supposed to suffer just ‘cause they do.

well i refuse it.

i won’t do it.

i thank whoever i can for being in better condition, and indulge in what medical and social benefits i can get from having to deal with cf and now hiv but refuse to look them in eye and give them power.

they are lower than me and will always be.

i will acknowledge them.

i will deal with them.

but i won’t ever let them be higher than me. won’t ever face them because i look down on them there4 their face is out of my sight and will stay that way.

i think that even if i do fall under, it will be when i decide and ‘cause i give up--not because i will accept it and let them take me, but because it’s easy way out and that’s one i mostly choose.

but who knows what i will feel tommorrow or even 1/2 hour from now?

i do however think people are ignorant of what aids is doing to people. too many hivers are being convinced they will be spared.

well that’s bullshit doctors feed us, thinking they will help us to live today without thinking of what might happen tommorrow.

i hate lies.

there4 I like to be prepared for all of it and mostly worst, ‘cause i think only way to fight it is to be really well-prepared. so that way you go to the battle ready and armed!!!!—how bosnian of me ;)

i do love part of blog where you explain meaning of shaman ‘cause i was pretty un aware of it and sweetie like it or not they want you here and you do have greater purpose and like i always told you i know i am cursed with loooong life and honestly i am grateful that ur2. ‘cause without you i wouldn’t be who i am today and that would be shame. if i knew i did for at least 1 other person what you do for me, i’d consider my being very important.

so tattoo those boot-marks so he knows where to hit next time ;)

thanx for stimulating my brain cells AGAIN and making it all worth it!!!!!!!!!!

SAŠA

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text of eoe5-002 like a bosnian © 2005 by richard kearns. email post © 2005 by sasha k.

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