eoe-0605-016 sarajevo: war dreams

(LOS ANGELES, POSTED JUNE 26, 2005)

heard from sash again. nights seem to be long in sarajevo.

(SARAJEVO, BOSNIA, POSTED JUNE 24, 2005)

am depressed today!!!

had horrible war dreams whole night in addition to bad sleeping since i got here.

oh remember guy i had drama with right b4 i left???? well i wrote him e-mail when i got here & asshole never responded. why do i think of that now????? & why do i bother?????? human nature grosses me out!!!!!

as for address here--they changed it after war & honestly i never asked what the new one was. cab drivers know it by old name which is pretty much all i ever used it for.

people i am hanging out with are backing up from me 'cause of my pot-smoking, pill-popping and =bad= people i am hanging out with. no one seems to understand i am social psychologist & am interested in hanging out with all sorts of crowds, 'cause it is interesting.

* maybe i am insane, but no-drug-doing productive crowd bores me to death. maybe it makes me feel worth-less, but this is vacation so i want to have fun and can care less about who am i being!!!!! crises!!!!!!

i had war dreams last night!!!!!

war time & we are in basement. i went as ghost or soul, from one to another human being there, all my friends, all unknown young people.

i was girl. starving young girl and only way to food or cigarettes--which are, for fucked-up reasons, more important in war than food--was running into enemy camps and selling self. only life i ever lived. never knew for better.

way to camp was running through tunnel filled with rotten corpses and mice, looking like food was so hungry. i waited for guards to leave to jump fence, dressed in ripped skirt & some shiny shirt i found in one of apartments was hiding in.

i was running fast & my old heels were killing me, but had to keep them on as all other femininity in me was gone. ‘cause they were making me sexy & hot for those hungry soliders who i hated yet loved. soon they will feed me & give me drinks!!!

fence was high and i think they actually knew we were jumping it but loved watching us suffer. made them feel powerful.

i came to top & saw pieces of clothes of girls like me who thought: behind fence is life.

stench was horrid.

looking closer, i saw pieces of flesh on barbed wire. they must have not made it through.

i did. i felt alive.

found solider who took me on old fruitstand with few bodies behind it. i craved cigarette whole time.

i was friend of mine trying to feed his girlfriend. me.

he sold weapons & stolen goods.

someone gave him cheese that was who-knows-how-old & we had to rub it with our hands, instead of chewing, ‘cause it stunk & tasted rotten. i'm still washing taste out!!!!

but if you mashed it well & closed your eyes & thought of old days, & maybe sang favorite U2 song, it was so yummy!!!!

i wanted her baby. i wanted it just to feel life. just to see it.

i was solider shooting scavenger filth in camp. don't know why, but--if i did it quick while downing homemade plum wine we stold from villagers we also killed, & talked loud & dirty with my friends--it felt good. blood smelled fresh.

i was me. day i thought i forgot.

me & my friend were drinking somehere & going home. more like crawling home, not from booze but from all grenades & snipers.

or was it quiet that night? but it was habit. who knows?

my friend stepped on something & grenades started falling. we found shelter in broken-down kiosk or skeleton of it & started laughing like crazy. it was fun & exciting. like in those good movies we used to watch as kids. like we still weren't.

what did you step on?

it was timer for bomb. it hurt!!! badly!!!

u can't take it out 'cause pulling it sets off explosive.

i did't want to leave him & he didn't want me to go either. was that true friend? would i send him away????

we sat and looked at it.

he took out gun & before he could shoot i was screaming at him to stop. was i scared for him or me???? can't remember.

we cried & then laughed & sang old YU punk song we used to mosh to!!!!

i said see ya and left!!!!!!

i woke up wet & am still shivering. still waiting. crying as i write, yet feeling so above humanity who never felt stuff like that.

why?

some guy wanted to fight with me last night and was talking shit so 1 of my friends punched him out. that was kind of cool. i like it when stupid people who talk shit & wanna start trouble for no reason get what they deserve. my friend made him apologize to me, which i didn't accept, so they told him to stay away from me if he doesn't wanna get beat again. i know it sounds terrible but i think people like that deserve beatings 'cause is only way (unfortunately) they leave us alone & learn to keep quiet. he was saying shit about the way i was dressed (like faggot he said ;)) and about my piercings. it was pleasure to see an idiot like that get what he asked for!!!!!

anyways, gotta go get some beer and cigs!!!

will write soon!!!!

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